From Veil to Vows: The Hidden Sexism in Marriage Customs

• Traditional marriage customs often disguise patriarchal control mechanisms under the veneer of sacred traditions.
• The argument of “personal choice” in following these traditions is complicated by deep-rooted social conditioning.
• While traditions are important for civilisation, they need to evolve with society’s understanding of gender equality.

Marriage is often touted as a sacred union, but a closer examination reveals that many traditional marriage customs are deeply rooted in sexism and misogyny. And no, I am not even talking about dowry here. From the patriarchal concept of “giving away the bride” to the antiquated veiling of the bride, these practices are veiled (pun intended) as infallible, sacrosanct traditions essential to the survival of a functional society.

A strawman counter usually given to such a discussion is “It’s her choice either way”. But beneath such simplistic derivations lies a profoundly ingrained emotional conditioning, one where the lines between genuine choice and societal pressure blur.

The rituals, designed to symbolise love and unity, instead condition women to accept their subordinate role within a marriage, reinforcing the idea that their autonomy is secondary to traditions.

1. Giving Away the Bride: Transferring Ownership

Picture this. Beautiful flowers glitter the hall, doors swing open, and a father, proud and steady, steps up with his daughter on his arm. He walks her down the aisle, handing her to the groom at the church’s altar. How picturesque and emotional this moment feels, right? But have you ever contemplated the rationale behind this ritual, reducing her to a mere possession to be exchanged between men? And this isn’t exclusive to one culture. You must have heard of the Hindu ritual of Kanyadaan, which essentially is the same patriarchal concept of reducing women to commodities. These practices reinforce the notion that a woman’s autonomy and identity are not her own but rather belong to the men in her life.

2. Patrilineal Inheritance: Perpetuating Male Dominance

The tradition of women taking their husband’s family name, widespread across countless societies, is a glaring symbol of how patriarchy seeks to erase female identity. This practice doesn’t just strip away a woman’s ancestral connection but broadcasts to the world that her individual existence must be absorbed into her husband’s lineage, effectively erasing her pre-marital identity like a chalk mark wiped clean from a slate. Do you know what’s more unsettling? The way society raises eyebrows at women who choose to keep their own names, as if defying this erasure of identity, is some sort of radical act.

3. The Wali: Control Hidden Behind Protection

In many Islamic marriages, the role of the Wali—the male guardian—serves as a constant reminder of the control men hold over women’s lives. It’s not just about protection or tradition; it’s about reducing a woman’s autonomy to a mere afterthought. The irony is striking. A ritual meant to safeguard her turns out to be a mechanism to reinforce the very notion that a woman’s will is secondary to that of the men in her life. Women’s subjugation has many forms, and we just don’t need one more.

4. Obedience Vows

The tradition of marriage vows, wrapped in the poetry of commitment, particularly the bride’s promise to “love, honour, and obey,” cloaked in the sanctity of the religious ceremony, reveals a deeply troubling aspect of matrimonial customs. This ceremony is where a woman is expected to publicly pledge her obedience to the ceremonial sanctioning of female subordination. The fact that such vows continue to be normalised in contemporary weddings raises uncomfortable questions about how our sacred ceremonies, however beautifully dressed in the romantic tradition, continue to subtly reinforce the idea that a wife’s role is fundamentally one of compliance.

5. Veiling the Bride: Controlling Women’s Appearance

The vermillion streak of sindoor in a woman’s hair is celebrated across South Asian cultures as a sacred symbol but stands as a stark reminder of society’s obsession with marking women as ‘taken.’ Yet the transformation of a bride’s body into a canvas of patriarchal ownership doesn’t stop there. From the mangal sutra around her neck to mandatory bangles, intricate mehndi patterns adorning her hands, and the practice of veiling to “protect” her feminine virtue, these marks of marriage signal the beginning of a systematic rebranding of her body into a billboard of her marital status. 

6. Pehli Rasoi (First Meal): After All, What Else Is a Woman For?

The tradition of “pehli rasoi,” celebrated as a new bride’s inaugural cooking ceremony in her marital home, masquerades as a warm welcome while serving as a thinly veiled test of her domestic capabilities. This ritual, where a newly married woman must prepare her first meal for the entire family, isn’t just about sharing food – it’s society’s way of establishing that a woman’s primary worth in her new home lies in her ability to serve and nurture. The glaring absence of rituals such as ‘Pehli Kamai’ – celebrating a woman’s professional capabilities- speaks volumes about how society continues to confine women within traditional gender roles. 

These customs, though steeped in as traditions, deserve to be examined for what they truly represent in our evolving understanding of gender equality.

Things are Changing

In saying all this, I don’t intend to dampen the celebratory spirit of marriage. Customs and traditions are, without question, essential for any civilisation to flourish. Yet, we must also recognise that traditions need to evolve alongside our social understanding, reflecting the realities of our time.

Many age-old customs were born out of different intentions and under different circumstances. For example, as Dr. Manisha Shette of Jnana Prabodini in Pune explains, kanyadaan originally symbolised acceptance. The bride’s parents would ask the husband to promise respect, love, and care for their daughter as one of their own. Similarly, the Vedas make no mention of a woman needing to wear specific ornaments to signify marriage. These are more recent practices. But as class structures, economies, and hierarchies have shifted, the meaning behind these traditions has metamorphosed into something far more rigid and, at times, draconian.

Tradition’s strength lies not in its age or continuity of practices but in its ability to align with the values we live by.